Living for You
by FantasiCat
Summary: For, as every wizard knows, a werewolf cannot survive long without his mate. Mild shonen-ai, SiriusRemus


Living for You

By FantasiCat

This is my first foray into the Harry Potter fandom, so I hope I'm doing okay. Feedback to me is like beer to an alcoholic, so please don't forget to review. This is dedicated to all the Remus-angst fic writers out there. Without you, I never would have written this. And as always to thanx4reading, for being my dictionary, thesaurus, and beta all rolled into one.

Warnings: shonen-ai content, sad Remus, probably OOC

Spoilers: up to book 5

Pairing: Sirius/Lupin

Disclaimer: Remus, Sirius, and the entire HP universe belong to one JK Rowling. The song, however, is mine, so no stealing! Though if you ask, I may let you borrow it .

/While the world is burning down

And I can't find you by my side

Separated by the cruel hands of time

I'm looking all around

And see the skies are falling down

Still I'm searching for one last glimpse

Of your eyes/

Dull amber eyes stared lifelessly out the rain-streaked window, watching the world march past. How could the people out there keep living their carefree, happy lives when his lover… his best friend… his whole world was gone. Even though he knew the war with Voldemort wasn't yet over, now that he had to accept that those beautiful silver eyes would never grin at him again, he couldn't bring himself to care. Remus Lupin smiled sadly at his own weakness. _In. Out. In. Out._ That had been his mantra since he'd helplessly watched his mate fall through that damn curtain deep in the heart of the Ministry of Magic. He needed to remember how breathe now that the one he lived for was gone. "Oh Sirius," he whispered, unaware of the tears that once again trailed down his face.

/ Sometimes, all I can do is breathe.

Sometimes, that's the hardest thing to do.

Just pulling air in

Time and time again.

Gotta keep breathing.

Just gotta keep breathing.

Keep breathing.

'Cuz I'm living for you/

It's funny, Remus reflected. Sirius had once told him, back during their school days, that he was the strongest of the Marauders; having to deal with rejection and ridicule since he was bitten as well as endure the monthly transformations. Remus had simply smiled, but inside he knew that without Sirius, his Padfoot, with him, the change was torture. Somehow the sight of that big, shaggy, black dog calmed the beast inside of him in a way nothing else could match. With Sirius gone, Remus was back to barely surviving the transformations. Siri, if you could just hold me one more time, he thought brokenly. Just once, and I would be all right… He wrapped his thin arms around himself, needing to feel the warmth of being folded within his lover's strong arms. His own were a poor substitute.

/ You always were my strength

But now I'm all alone.

How do I keep going by myself?

My safe harbor is gone

Still I can't help but long

To be safely wrapped up once again

In your arms/

Turning his attention back to the present, he stared out at the dismal, dreary rain. The sun hasn't shined once since that night, he realized suddenly. It's as if nature itself is mourning him. That thought comforted him a little, enough to help him continue his silent chant._ In. Out. In. Out._ Each and every waking moment he repeated it. _In. Out. In. Out._ Remus was afraid that, if he didn't, he would just stop taking in oxygen, incomprehensible grief stilling his lungs.

/ Sometimes, all I can do is breathe.

Sometimes, that's the hardest thing to do.

Just pulling air in

Time and time again.

Gotta keep breathing.

Just gotta keep breathing.

Keep breathing.

'Cuz I'm living for you/

He sat up suddenly, seeing a dark figure moving past his window. For one brief, shining instant, he was sure it was Sirius, and that he would walk in the door, sheepish smile in place in apology for his tardiness. Just like always. But as the figure came into focus through the blurry window, it morphed into some anonymous, happy, ignorant individual caught in the rain, hurrying home to his own loved ones. Remus let out one half-choked sob at having his hopes dashed so cruelly against the sharp rocks of reality. "But I have to keep hoping," he said quietly, talking to some phantom only he could see. "Because, if I stop, there really will be nothing left for me to hold onto."

/ Will you ever come back to me?

Because your face is still

All that I can see

Gotta hold onto hope

'Cuz that's all that I have/

_In. Out. In. Out._ His actions matched the words repeated silently in his mind. His chest rose and fell with each breath he took. Remus forced himself to carry on, even as all his instincts screamed for him to let go. Dumbledore had said there was still a chance, infinitesimal though it may be, and as long as there was even a slight possibility that Sirius could come back, he would stay alive. However, it was a battle that got harder to win every day, and Remus didn't think he had much time left to wait. For, as every wizard knows, a werewolf cannot survive long without his mate. "Hurry, Sirius," he gasped out, using some of his precious oxygen to send out his plea. "I'll wait. I'm just living for you."

/ Gotta keep breathing.

Just gotta keep breathing.

Keep breathing.

'Cuz I'm living for you./

Fin

And it's done. R&R if you please. Any flames sent will merely be used to sit and read by, and maybe to make s'mores.


End file.
